appreciate it, bitch

oh god
what a fucked up day
seriously
im just so fucking glad to be out if work
my manager treats me like shit
and im so fucking sick of people treating me like a fucking idiot because they think im stupid just because of my blonde hair and natural herb smoking habits
how fucking annoying.
i need to let out my frustration
i need to scream
and feel free
well tomorrow night should REALLY fucking help me :]
modest mouse baby.
every guy is suck a douchebag
and are moody as fuck
uggggh
travis is pissed off at me
fucking great
the person i trust the most is mad as fuck at me
i cant even figure out why
and i miss chuck
thats all i want right now
fuck work
and these fucking RUDE ass bitches who talk shit on me because they dont like the way their food tastes. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING COOK BICTH!?? NO, I FUCKING RUN AROUND THE FUCKING RESTAURANT TO GIVE YOU A GOOD EXPERIENCE AND GO IN AND OUT OF THE KITCHEN TO GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU STILL COMPLAIN? fuck you.

im so fucking sick of people.

all these fucking stupid brainwashed corporate whore idiotic people.

ooh boy i love you so

today has been so wonderful!

went ta work, saw some friends, & art :]

aaaand then travis and i spent the whole day together....

weee went to robs house and then got stoney, bought a cake for brent went back to travis's house and made that damn cakethe damn cake with a barbie inbetween the two layers and the hand sticking out of the top of the cake, drew some dick and vagina on there and travis and i had somee good ass bonding moments today, hes so wonderful! travis is gay by the way, if any of you are thinking we have a thing...hahaha

umm, im really confused here about this one boy.

hes been gone for like 2 months now and i miss him like fucking crazy and he tells me he misses me too & basically im just waiting for us to come back again together one day. its so fucking hard, im not really attracted to anyone else, ive been hit on a fuckload, i know theres dudes crazy about me, but i have no interest in them...i only want this one. hes so fucking special to me. hes that boy i would do absolutely anything for, hes that boy that makes me wanna go out of my way just to get a smile, hes that boy that warms my heart.

i dont know how much longer i can hold on.

i need to feel him again, look into those eyes again.

what the fuck am i gonna do.

my mind

so im in this box

and no one can understand it

no one can comprehend it, not even myself

but im at peace in this box,

because nothing else matters

this money

this robotic lifestyle

this so called fame

were all people

the same

no one is better

no one is worse

each of us live on the decisions we make,

some choose bad decisions

some choose good,

but this doesnt make anyone better

just sometimes conciously smarter.

were all going to die

were all going to be completely forgotten one day

what i cant comprehend is the hype

its so sad how everyone has been taught to think that if you look sexier, have the best of material things, that you are better

is sad to see all of these people only worried about how far their going to get in the social ladder

what is the social ladder?

BULLSHIT

we are ants

each of us running around, doing our own thing

doing the same routine everyday

luckily, i dont run on that same routine

my life is different

and going to continue to be different

ive let go of all the things that dont really matter

and i feel amazing.

<3

"i love you more than beans and rice"

thats all i needed to hear.

thats all i needed to know.

and even though i feel like im in the biggest rut right now, its ok, because i know one day him and i are going to see eachother again

my hearts bursts for this boy!!

<3

"holy fuck"

are you ready? cause i dont even think i am.

alright so tonight has been so ridiculously nuts, let alone this whole entire day, i mean the day has been overall wonderful but ok, so after work, jenny and brent and i fucking got stoned as fuck with some northern lightsss :]] and walked this nature trail again...alright so when im walking down this trail i feel like everything is unreal...all around me are these majestic trees...and at night its like PITCH black and you honeslty cant see past like 2 ft ahead of you because its so fucking dark...and theres random fireflies and its beautiful at times, but also extremely freaky. so no one wanted to lead the way, so i did it, i just fucking put on bjork and did it, it was so hard trying to find peace down this pitch black path of doom, but i just lead the way, not having any idea of what was ahead of me...and i felt good until at one point i looked up, and my pace was getting slower, and then i just stopped. i couldnt go any further, and i KNEW something was there ahead of us. jenny just looked at me while brent was freaking out and i was just like "dude, this isnt good, i see something, and my this energy is so bad" and shes just like " i know i see it too, we gotta trun around" and i was just like "ok man" so we went the other way, and while were walking down this fucking surrounding of swamp and trees, we start hearing this freaky like barking noise coming closer towards us, it was fucking ridiculous, i felt like the time had went into slow motion for like 2 mins, i just linked onto jenny and was FREAKING the fuck out, i seriously have not been this scared in a long time. i dont know what the fuck went on tonight, but i just dont know, i dont have good feelings about it you know? sucks. weird.

so earlier today i went exploring with wonderful travis, and got stoney bologna and went thrift shopping and panera eating, bomb ass bagels, i swear. and i found some cool shit :] and then i hung out with wagner and i dunno i had a craaazy day haha but i dont think ive come to much realizations lately, i think i need to stop smoking so much herb so i can find my inner real peace again, its at the point where i have to smoke to feel normal, and that aint no good...

i hate how this whole peace sign thing is now becoming a fucking trend, seriously wtf?? i cant even wear mine anymore, becasue more than half of these people who wear them, DONT REPRESENT PEACE! i mean some girl cant be wearing that and then talk shit on someone for they way they look or somehitng you know?! it just really makes me upset, people, pece IS NOT A TREND, ITS AN ACT AND WAY OF LIFE. jeez, this world.......

the good times are killing me

alright oh man these past few days have been a little intense.

so, basically three nights ago i went to this artwalk thing wiht jenny and lily and some other people and i seriously met so many fucking people that night..holy shit dude haha and travis met up with us there :]]] i love travis so much, when were working together, our manager is like "you need to seperate" haha and like "yall are attached at the hips" and haha idk we just love eachother alot. he brings me the feeling of home for some reason. and HAAH that night he just looked at me and was like "can i lick your eyeball?" in the middle of the street haha and i was like "yeah" and he freckin did it and then i licked his eyeball and haha idk we were both drunk and silly and shit and then just some shitty thing happened and then i finally met up with jinglejanglejenny! and haha frecking went to this party thing oh my gah all new faces, except for one who stuck out like a sore thumb, but in a good way :]

so im all drunk at this jig party thing and then this dude is just like "i wanna walk around" and im just "dude, im so down, lets go, lets fucking go" haha and me and him and two other dudes all walked around in the middle of the streets at like 3 in the morning drunk, talking about a bunch of different shit, and at every single intersection we each had to yeall a desired direction on the count of three, it was fucking awesome, these dudes were so fucking chill and awesome and im just like thinknig to myself of how fucking thankful i am that these people DO exist here, i almost lost all faith in most of the human race, but these dudes were like a breath of fresh air, i didnt give a care about how shitty drunk i loked, what i was doing, i was just comfortable...and that doesnt happen often haha, it think its that damn dress i was wearing, it makes me feel free as a bird :> haha so just hell yeah right now im still missing chuck alot, and i think hes just over it, haha..but what can i do? ive never met anyone like him and hes honestly hands down one of the greatest guys ive ever met...so im not gonna let go quite yet.

AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! im seeing modest mouse in 18 days!! holy shit!!

all over you

Yeah she's a looker,but I really think it's guts that matter most
I displayed them for you, strewn out about from coast to coast
I am easily make believe just dress me up in what you want me to be
I'll take back what I've been saying for quite some time now
I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
In my daydreams, in my sleep,infatuation turning into disease
You could cure me, see all you have to do nowis please try
Give it your best shot and try
All I'm asking for is love, but you never seem to have enough
I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
This life is way too short to get caught up in all this stuff when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?
Why can't you just love me back?
hy can't you just love me back?
Why can't you just love me back?
I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
This life is way too short to get caught up and all mixed up when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?
Why won't you just love me back?

everythings just happenin so fast

i have so many thoughts in my head right now, i dont even know where the fuck to start here...alright here it goes...

honestly fisrt things first, i really, really wonder who reads this thing i mean cmon now im a lameass...well maybe not HAHA

so um, ok well i was just looking at the past, and i mean just thinking about all those amazing imes, growing up in cali, and just living such an amazing life, i meean i know alot of the people there put me through ALOT of shit, but alot have also genuinely cared about me, and i have some of the GREATEST memories. i just cant believe how many people have changed, so many people, friends i was so close to...but for what? just a moment in time? and now i dont even know who they are anymore...

so weird man.

so my soul is just so happy right now...animal collective is so fucking amazing.

i cant compete, and im so sick of these types of things happening to me. here, ill explain...theres just this thing that always tends to happen with most boys, i feel like i have to compete against these girls that look like models and you know what im so fucking sick of it. there was this dude, i was REALLY diggin, i mean we fucking connected, him and i know both knew it, and what the fuck happens, uh he decides to date this fucking 16 yr old. you just HAVE to be kidding me...fucking UGH.

i mean i know when i find the right one, i will KNOW it, and for quite a VERY long time ... years i thought i found him, im still not sure, but i guess i just have to be patient and find out when i find out...know what im sayin?

i love nature, we came from this earth, the least we could do is treat it right, right? i just love taking in the beauty & the colors of everything..the trees, the sky, the ocean... i love it.