catch me im falling down,

this week has been fucking ridiculous, and i am s fed up with guys in general, i want to rip out my eyeballs. more than several have driven me so fucking crazy lately, its quite ridiculous. i just want to get the fuck out of here. im so sick of this spot of the world that i am constantly stuck on. i need a fucking vaaaccatttiiiiiiiiiioonnnn.

you can always take more than nothing

i wish i just wish so bad sometimes that i didnt have to go through this, wish that i wasnt born in the place period and time i was, so none of this would me happening. my mind is so sore, im always thinking too much about everything, and society and existence. its fucking ridiculous. i mean, we hurt and have pain, but why? what makes us actually feel a feeling? how exactly does a conciousness exist? my ricky is going through such a hard time right now, and he doesnt derserve absolutely anything hes been through lately, i dont know why people keep shitting on him, and there is nothing i can do except verbally try to help him. i mean, why is all this happening to HIM? why isnt happening to the person who is the asshole, or rich bitch? i am begining to think karma doesnt exist. it makes sense why it wouldnt. i think we are just here. weve evolved into these shitty little organisms who are cold and selfish and mean and defensive. ITS SO FUCKI NG DEPRESSING. there is nothing i can do about the way the world is set up. who the fuck makes all the secions and why the fuck do i have to go by all these "rules" that should never exist. why does that building have to be right there? shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,bckjsjabjba;fb;f;h';f

i know you know you should talk to me. but i dont know WHY YOU WONT. JUST FUCKING DO IT!

last night was alittle fucked up, and right now everything in general is kind of fucked up. i am getting sick of my house, and i need some refreshment in my life, something new, someone who wants to go and explore the ends of the world with me. someone who will just understand what im saying without me having to be apologizing for it be different or whatever. i know travis is this person, but hes not here all that much, i only see him maybe one or two times a week. i really feel like i dont belong in this setting, i know i dont. i jknow what i need to be complete;y happy are some room mates who actually understand me and dont care about the material things in life. ive been considering moving back to missuori for a year to go to school out there. i know i have friends out there that HAVE MY BACK. alot of them at that, people i love absolutely being myself around.

i think i am sinking into a pool of drunken and stoned oblivion. i just dont know how to feel anymore. i mena of course i FEEL but i just like dont wheni should also. i dont feel sympathy for people, i act like i like people i dont even like, i honestly njust dont give a fuck most of the time. i dont know how to put trust in people. im going down. haha

i hate it when people are obsessed with other people.
coffee just might be the greatest idea ever right now....im making some.

another day, another dollar. why cant my life be more exciting?

shit

i just may be making a HUGE mistake.....

FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

walking on a dream

oh dear friend,
who are you turning into and what have you become? back to your old self i guess. have fun, ill be back here. i cant believe how i was there for you when not many others were, and now our sweet freindship we once had has vanished into thin air. its so disappointing.
ive been so happy lately, of course theres always that little shit that goes on every day or week, but i can get through it without it letting affect my whole entire mood or attitude at the moment. i am just content, and ok.
some days i feel different about the important things going on my life. like for a few days something that seems SOOO impoartant to me wont be for maybe a few days after. and on and on and back and forth. i ahve the worst cough ever this shit is killing me. i love my kitten, he is such a little special gem :>>>>

ive got to get all my shit together for good. for some reason i cant.
im only nineteen, i really shouldnt even be worrying.
i have a horrible shopping addiction problem. i just want to fade into the ocean, like i almost did yesterday. travis and lee and i went out to myrtle beach and swam in the middle of a storm, the winds were so strong, they were making the waves hit so strong and powerful, it felt so riveting and exciting, conquering. im so in love with mama ocean, if only i could live on the beach. if only i could just walk outside and have the ocean be my backyard, what a dream. theres a boy in my life, and im no saying anything else, because every time i get my hopes up, i get let down, so erll see. :]

my little chocolate girl...

yay!yay!goodies!

im getting lost in your curls....

play the game, the game gets played. sometimes, this horrible little allydemon comes out in me, theres like this little bit of bad in me i know not anyone would expect but its there, but its not even bad, compared to all the shit that goes on in this world. anyways im talking bullshit. i went to see my beautiful avey, panda bear and geologist june 10th and it was the most amazing night of my fucking LIFE. it was all a huge beautiful story. we tripped on some lucy and headed for a little drive down to orlando. saw black dice first and the visuals and music were so fucking intense i could not beive how insane that band was. but when animal collective came on, i was complete. in the flowers started and i was like in heaven, i WAS my heaven, because that has been my dream for so long. my two favorite things in the whole world occuring at the same time!!!! i seriously wish that night never ended, i really wish it never did, but anyway, they played a beautiful amazing mezmorizing captivating show... i cannot even begin to explain how amazing it was :D:D:D:DDDDDDDDDD
i went with travis aaand rob and robs gf, and we were all just tripiing and laughing and fucking so happy, and after the show we fucking met panda bear behing the damn tour bus and i couldnt even fucking belive it, hahaha and i shook his hand and all i could say to him was "thank you so much for whatyou do...thank you" haha i was so mesmorized. this man, whos voice and music he makes motivates me every day to be happy and keep living and to stay positive, this man was standing right there and i didnt know what to do. so beautiful.




ive been just loving life lately, living day by day, after my last trip, ive pretty much let go of alot of things i needed to let go of, i feel so much better and happy. im not worrying about all the stupid shit that wastes time, we are so little and small and all of this is so insignificant, this whole life is, i keep tending to forget about that and then i atart getting all anal about stupid shit that doesnt even matter. im so thankful for how wise i am. i want to visit cassadaga again so bad soon, i love it there :D

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