mime games

classical music is so amazing.

give me more intelectual music.

i need to practice typing so i can get a second job across thestreet.

i really cant comprehend how my friends constantly have money to spend, escpecially the ones who dont have jobs you know?

well anyways, my birth dad is about to die any minute, and i need to meet him before he does. i need this boid filled, and my heart wont be completely filled, if this piece of the puzzle isnt put in. he need to be sent to a VA hospital in seattle and no one is willing to help him out of take him there so my sissie and i are thinking of flying upo to montana and help move and get settled, from there we can go to portland, FINALLY i have been wanting to go to portland so fucking bad, its burning within me. i just relaly hope this happend before things start falling apart.
i want to know aobut my blood, i want to know wheer i came form, i want to get the fuck on with my life, and not be here with my dad, i wanna have a room mate to wake up to and do wake and bakes with, friends who give me good company, i want to have my own place again, to throw parties and have anyone come over at any time, i fucking thirst it, i need it.

these past few days i ahve been completely homesick.

its almost been a year since ive been away from california and i know i never thought i would say this but i want to see my mom.

i want to see my family so much, i want to give my grandpa and grandma a hug, i wanna have akward conversations and silences at the dinner table again. ots really fucking depressing.

i am trapped, i have no way out

io want to hang out with my sissie again, i wann gho out and be able to drive around with MY music playing, jamming out in MY car, i wanna move on!! i wanna break these walls apart.

i cannot stand the guy who continues to hit on me and thinks i like him, when in all reality, i find him to be comopletely annoying and immature. ewww.

my birthday is in 12 days. i am not even the least bit excited at all.

beacsue nothing is going to happen.

i just really want to trip on some lsd

yup, i would be COMPLETELY satisfied with that.

or meet jimi hendrix

haha

i ahve been oh so fortunate to have neighbors come over and continuously smoke me out.

"excuse me while i kiss the sky"

i just wanna chill out with a beer

and have a nice chat on the phone with an old friend or two right now.

like the ashes of american flags

this gymnast thing is ridicoulous?

i wouldnt be able to balance like that shit

then again, i am ally.

so

what a wonderful time ive been having haha

and good things just keep on coming to me

and its really fucking awesome and exciting

and im stoned

and i have amazing neighbors

and im getting it on with with this guy

and my coffee cup is blowing my mind

i love kimya dawson, but i want to marry alice glass

i dont care if your reading this, thinking im sinning.

its all bullshit, fucking shut up, im so sick of hearing bull shit

i like my new bunny suit

i like my new bunny suit

when i wear it i feel cute.

i miss hanging and seein jenny

my sister and i are on good terms again

and i love her

i need some indian music in my life

im all hyped on coffee dude

and i have an interview for best buy tomorrow

and if the drug test is tomorrow

im "fucked for life"

-dirty projectors

i love kitties

and im about to listen to thursday

its a been while since thats happened

shit, thursday plays a damn good live show man

those were the fucking days

this is how it feels, calling out but no one even hears signals we sedn over the air

when you say my name, i wanna split it form your lips, hung like whispers in the rain

ANYWAY

for some weird fucking reason

all these dudes have been coming into my life

and i cant handle it anymore

it too much

shit

haha

COOOOFFFFEEEEEEEEEEE

so if i work at best buy

that would be the most amazing thing ever

im full of so many emotions right now

every different thing i think about,

makes me feel different

and my heart is racing

i want to be a painter

my father is one

my sister is one

why cant i?

i can draw, but not really

it sucks

so im doing photography

mr nino told me i had a knack for it

but all that mattered to me at the time

was friends

weed

and reputation

so i ignored him, i wanstgoing to give into school, no that would be lame

but now that im not stupid

im going to try again

ive signed up for class

and im going to colleger, whic is really weird to say

i thought this day would never come haha

im waiting for him to call

so we can hang out

and i can smoke blunts with him and his mom

ahahaha yessssssss :]

nfdsjlahfl;jkdsalgkfdsja

i got an A

i got a B

and i got a C

fuck yeah, thoise division phone lessons with sophia really turned out to be helpful, HAHA.

so today has fucking rocked, ive met a shitload of new people, watched the sunrise at the beach, fucking got a bagel, met up with these dudes, and there was this one i met like a month and a hlaf aog, and hes fucking awesome,and dude hes so nice and genuine, and smoked a fucking blunt with him and his mom dude!! haha his mom loved me, she was jsut lovin it, telling me like " i love your dresssssss!!" and "no way girl, i cant believe you roll your own cigarettes thats fucking awesome, im the only other person i know that does that, aw shit!!!!" haha dude, fuck YEAH!

im signing up for a photography class, i decided not to do painting or drawing cause i already know shit from photography in high school, and when i did it and actually applied myself, shit came out fucking awesome, then i wanna pursue my thing with the recorb label job thing, yessssss. :] fucking love donna summer so hard dude. and trail mic, is the bommmmb!.

i love getting smoked out by cute boys :]

shadows

oh dont worry, i honestly have no interest in you AT ALL.

i realized, your certainly not who i thought you were, HA DEFINTELY NOT.

so you should stop flattering yourself,

i dont want anything to do with you romantically,

i just want our freindship back

so you should really stop being an ass.

maybe this is better, cause a part of me wants to completely just cut you off and act like you never existed, maybe im just going to do that

i dont have fun with you anymore anyway

its like you try to suck on purpose so i dont have interest in you anymore, its ok, im really not interested, you did a good job.

one more thing

shit

can i go back ? :[

macarthur park

so i dont even remember the last time i wrote in here, like i dont even know what ive put down, but yesterday i went to this fucking city called Cassadaga, the same cassadaga conor oberst s album is about!! haha im so gay, ok anyway, its a little city in florida & i cant even begin to explain this experience, it was like i did acid without actually doing it haha it was fucking crazy!

so the minute i get there i can just feel the energy bouncing off of me as i got out of the car, it was INSANE!! so then travis and theresa and i went and walked around some little field thing and fucking it was so amazing and we went to this house of this guy who was a medium and his name is matt and this man was on fucking pbs and fucking good morning america and shit haha it was craaazy and this guy is the real fucking deal, hecan draw spirits that are surrounding ssomeone, like spirits of people that have passed away and the people would come back and bring the picture of the person he drew, shit was craaazy! so i got my cards done by him and this shit was RIGHT ON with everything it was INSANE, i seriosuly could not believe this shit, and i dont really feel like going into anymore detail with it, cause it was really sacred to me, but i am at so much peace, i feel like my body has been cleansed, i feel so refreshed and renewed, it was amazing, and i know everything is going to be ok for me :]

i realized ALOT yesterday and i know who needs to be kept in my life, and i know who doesnt. i making ammends with the improtant ones, letting go of the ones who just bring me down, im feeling fucking amazing. and every SINGLE time i listen to celine dions song "its all coming back to me now" i fucking cry, i love this song. so beautiful. i love my friends so much, they have been bringing me up so fucking much. jenny and travis and wagner, holy shit dude, helped me out so much and even though ricky and i havent seen eachother in almost ayear, we are still so fucking cl0ose, him and i were MEANT to be best frinds forever, hes just one of those people whose never NOT going to be in my life, you know? its fucking awesome! <33

watching the sunrise with brent, helllllllllllll motha fuckin yeah

HOLY SHIT!! haha omg i forgot...fucking like 2 hrs ago the power went out for like 45 mins and i have these new neighbors and theres these two fucking kids, and i was chillin outside smoking a cigarette and he came up to me and was like do you smoke? and i was like helll yeaah dude! and hes like wanna go smoke a blunt!? im loike what the hell fuuuck yeah!! cause i havent smoked since yesterday so i was fellin a little on edge and this kid fucking smoked me out with two FATAAS blunts haha omg shit was insane fuck yeaaah haha im chillin liek a villian, life is so beautiful!

it sucks

so i guess hes not who i thought he would be.
i just tried to write that first line like 20x, i didnt realize how high i was.
oh shit i just had an amazing jam sesh. some old tbs, yesss.
so, right now im picturing myself in the middle of a giant green field, i have no destination but i know eventually, im going to have to start walking to get past the field and where i want to go. i want to go to portland and then officially move to san fran.
when i went there 2 years ago, i LOVED it so much, it was beautiful, nad i honestly believe my heart is meant to be there, eventually though haha.
so my friends have been bringing me up alot lately, even though i feel like im down more than half the time. sometimes i just think really fucking hard about something and get really fucking depressed about it and that shit sucks, cause once im in that mood, i really feel like i cant get out.
i also feel like i cant get out of this fucking body, i hardly even eat and when i do, i feel so disgusted with myself afterwards, i hate this shit, and i hate food :
so yesyesyesyes i want to start hanging out with nicholas more, hes such a groovy dude.
and i have all these fucking bugbites cause its goddamn stupid florida and this shit is weak.

congratulations

so last night was fucking awesome

and i forgot how amazing these people are haha

i met up with jinglejaglejenny at her new casa and saw a bunch of lovely ladies i havent seen in awhile

honestly, i dont know them THAT well but they bring me UP. theyre energy is so good and real i fucking love it. got stoney and a little buzzed and justin and i were just fucking around about stuopid shit the whole time haha

last night made me realize that all this dumb complaining and being depressed is such a waste of fucking time. there are a shitload of people that care about me, all over the damn U.S. haha and i tend to forget that, i am so thankful!!!!!!

evreything is going to come into place and everything happens for a reason.

these amazing people have come into my life for a certain reason, and i need to get on with making stronger bonds with these amazing people

<3