for stevie wonders eyes only

you know what?

FUCK YOU

im never putting myself out there in the open like i have, NEVER FUCKING AGAIN.

i am so fucking sick of everyone taking advantage of me, i am so fucking sick of everyone using me for something they need, i never get appreciated, i give and i give and i give and what do i get in return? oh a complete pile of shit. so here you go, here i am, shut off to you and everyone else, im not going to open myself up, i have finally become bitter, after all your fucking bullshit. yours, and yours, and yours. thanks man, thanks alot.

thanks jay

thanks mom

thanks marie

thanks to all you fuckheads in california who are so fucking conceited and wrapped up in your little scene and worried about your fucking status in hollywood and your stupid fucking money

thanks dennis and edwin

thanks david

thanks rachel

thanks chuck

thanks adam biggs, go fuck yourself

thanks to all of you who have totally killed my self esteem, FUCK YOU

and thanks to you, youve made my life complete shit, when i thought youd make it better.

amen.

:]

i miss my best friend back in california, im so glad that even though we havent seen eachother in almost a year, were still so close, and we still know everything about eachother, 7 years of a friendship going strong baby, i love you ricky. i cant wait until we explore the ends of the world together. <3

water curses

oh hiiiii, ok so

number one, its those people, those immature people who have this thing like they feel like they need to be molded into a fucking category, like these fucking scene kids and their stupid fucking hair and ridiculous make up, im sorry but gow the fuck up, your the type of people that makes me hate the human race, the type that makes me pissed off to no end at our dumb society who feels clothes and looks are so fucking important, just go fuck yourself.

oh hiiiiii,

number two, so remember how i like to change my mind all the fucking time and continue to pace back in forth in my head about how im not going to put my trust or efforts into anyone because i just keep getting hurt, and then the minute someone amazing comes along i just fucking give away my heart again, i give away my delicate heart, thats just fading away more and more, every boy takes a piece and it just keeps getting smaller and smaller, and i can see myself, arms out, ready to give my heart away to someone new, hoping just hoping that this time is going to be different, oh wait HAHA FUCK THAT. I AM NOT DOING THAT, shit im such an idiot, im gonna set myself up for pain again? NO THANKS, ILL CONTINUE TO KEEP MYSELF, all of you are assholes anyway.

magic

Put me in your dry dream or put me in your wet

If you haven't yet, no if you haven't yet

Light me with your candle and watch the flames grow high

No it doesn't hurt to try, it doesn't hurt to try

well, things are overall pretty groovy. last night i went back to my job that i got fired and the manager that DIDNT fire me gave me a huge hug and talked to me for a little bit, then i saw my sunshine! gosh, i miss hanging with him, and a few other people came and talked to me, i felt really fucking awesome, i mean, i just felt like no one really gave a shit haha but they did, which made em really happy :] i spent the night chillin with travis and brent haha were like the three fucking musketeers and we went to the movies and chilled in the pool until like 5 in the morning haha. i swear travis and i...oh man, we are inceperable friends, we are just so much alike and shit haha its so weird. this is very hard, but i am cutting down on my weed intake, i already tried just giving it up altogether, but its way to hard, WAY too hard, but i found these pictures of me that were like from 2 1/2 yrs ago and i got so fucking depressed, yeah i may be thinner now, but shit, my face has just completely changed, its really fucking depressing, i used to be really pretty, now im just like "eeeeeeeeeew", well thats how i feel, i took for granted what i used to have , seriously.

im waiting, waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, and just love me as hard as ill love them, with no worries, no drama, just love and genuine feelings, i know what i want, but what i want is SO FAR AWAY.

happpiness: i have experiened it.

WHERE DO I START!?
IM SO ECSTATIC ABOUT LIFE.

last night, i dropped some lucy with justin, one of the most beautiful souls i have ever come to know. it was his first trip, and we drove to the beach around eleven at night and stayed there until eight o clock in the morning. i cant even begin to explain what i experienced, and what he experienced, and him and i just were in synch with eachother, we didnt understand anything else other than eachother, and the ocean just took me away, spoke to me, the beauty was unbearable. i remember just walking up to him when we were at our "i feel so tiny and helpless stage", i took his hand and we walked down towards the water, connected as one just through our fingertips, the walk was literally like a neverending desert of sand, and proportions of everything were just maximized to the largest size possible, everything around us was alive with us, every sound was so delicate and every human being was an alien, when really we were the aliens. we stood there in the middle of the ocean, letting the tides roll in and out, digging us depper in the sand. we sat on this lifegaurd chair, that was the perfect view for fucking everything, we sat there for about 5 hours just watching the sky and stars dance, the ocean breathe, and sand melt with us, once the sun started to rise, the colors blew my mind, the beauty of mother nature was so hard to take in, i felt like i was watching a live portrait, i felt like i was just living in this big beautiful dream that was never going to end. i feel like ive gotten to comepletely know justin, this is one boy i can actually say that doesnt deserve to be put through any pain or harm, he is so beautiful. the sky is so beautiful, the flowers are more gorgeous than they have ever been, and my mind is awake, aware and ready. bring it baby, cause im SO ready.

dear love

Goodnight my love, you seemed so nice 'til I knew you better

Now I can tell you're always thinking twice about what might be better

On the outside, there's no conscience, you're a victim of your cautiousness

You don't try, you just lie there hoping that someone will come to make it right

fucking geez

so ive been heartbroken again.
and now im letting go.
im not going to put my efforts into making anyone happy anymore, because i always do that, then i always get fucking spat on.
no more efforts, no more daydreaming
chuck, i would have loved you better than anyone in this world
but your selfishness just blew it all
thanks for making me feel like "that girl" for the time being
you were good at doing that
and you are obviously good at making every girl that passes by you, feel that way too
THANKS A FUCKING LOT DUDE.
SHIT.
my face looks like its aging 100x quicker than normal, and i look depressed as fuck.
i hate this state, i cant trust one person, not ONE.
im so glad im realizing this NOW though, you know at least im not putting myself out there for me people to just shit on.
i waaaaant to move the fuck out of this country, anywhere but here, and just start all over, one more time, just ine more fucking time, because i cant handle doing this whole "hey im gonna start an awesome realtionship with you, were gonna be best friends, but oh im moving away in a couple months, so itll all be over soon"
i seriously cannot do that anymore, its breaking me apart.
im breaking apart.
literally.

winter

Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you by my side

I waited for you so long while I traveled far and wide

Convinced myself there's no one better, so how can I deny

Your love, it's like a thorn into my side

My friends they understand me better but don't whisper goodnight

I want a lover and a sister,

but we know that's not right

You used to listen to my music,

I always wondered why

I wish I could pretend you make me try

I want the days to come,

I want these sleepless nights to end

I lie here thinking how I lost you to all your stupid friends

You made me feel so foolish for the twenty-second time

Your love might be the last time that I try

Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you on my own

I waited here for you forever,

I can't believe you'd go

I may not have the answers,

but I'd rather never know

Your love was such a heavy, heavy blow

Goodnight my love,

you seemed so nice 'til I knew you better

Now I can tell you're always thinking twice about what might be better

On the outside, there's no conscience, you're a victim of your cautiousness

You don't try, you just lie there hoping that someone will come to make it right

well watch the fireworks that frighten the babies

from a distance, the ocean meets the stream and the eagle takes to flight.

welllll, woo i just got stoned with travis and watched some amazing fireworks, perfect view RIGHT there in front of us, oh my and listen to fireworks by animal collective at the end, it was fucking magical haha, ive been doing alot of stuff these past few days and three nights ago i went down to the beach with brent and travis at around eleven and oh MY GAAAH the fucking stars looked so BEAUTIFUL! and once again, i just floated away, just like last time, haha i just stared up at the beautiful galaxy and went where the ocean took me and floted like 20 ft away in the darrrk, i started freaking out a little, and i finally found them like 3 minutes later, but it felt like twenty, hahaha. and uh last night we went to this weird ass total broooo braaaaaah party type of thing and it was so whack, HAHA but i mean, its always good to go to those types of things and just hold random conversations with drunkass people, its really fucking entertaining haha.

and last week i saw modest fucking mouse!! it was SO SPECTACULAR!! oh my gosh, i had so much fun! i danced so hard and just fucking sang along, and they prefrom so WELL, like gosh, they are so fucking amazing!! oh my.

ive been thinking alot about my sister lately and it just bothers me so much, how weve only known eachother for a year and we dont even talk anymore! i cant even hold a damn conversation with her because she is so damn immature about everything! i am not trying to be mean, or sound cruel, but i am honestly thankful that i wasnt raised by my birth parents, because i would have turned out something like my sister, and that is NO GOOD. im honestly not trying to talk shit, because i have had a few conversations with my birth dad over the phone, my sister has told me CRAZY AMZING stories about him, and he is one groovy dude, seriously.

im addicted to panera, oooooh myyyyy :]

ive learned to finally let go of the thing ive been trying to let go of for the past few weeks. i am free like a bird.

lets call up oprah

lets tell her what has gone on

shell scream!

shell be flattered!

oh oprah! oprah! oprah!

you have so much cash,

damn girl pass me that grass!

cause i know you got some!

oh oprah! oprah! oprah!

cmon help me out!

i need a car,

just a lousy little car,

help me out sister

you can take me places that are oh so far.

feed your head