this is me with the words on the tip of my tongue

noah,

2009-11-08T19:34:00.000-08:00

i want someone just like you.

2009-09-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

i need change, i just dont know what. i want a lover. or maybe just a new friend haha ive been so positive lately and im liking black dice oh so much lately. fucking shit is so good. i need a lucy sesh. i loved my birthday it was so awesome yessss. im thankful for my friends making it so awesome. i love my family for their unconditional love. i love music so much, it can change my body and my mood and perspective. i love coffee for waking me up for the rest of my day. i love mary jane for keeping me sane whenever i am stressed. i love my bike for taking me to and from work.i love my room for being there when i need a plce to be alone and rest my thoughts. i love my kicthen for giving me the ability to make food. i love the sun for providing me with warmth when im cold. i love the ocean for cleaning me and for making me feel so free.

2009-08-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

ooh holy shit went and saw four year strong and set your goals last night and that shit was off the wall! i have so many fucking bruises man, i got kicked in the face! it was a fucking sausage fest, dudes everywhere i was like one out of three girls who satyed in the front it was insane!! man i am such a badass, i need me a badass man by my side! im just waiting for that one guy who just catches my attention with our mutual interests blaaah. a dude who will bike with me to the store and dumpster dive. someone humble and strong. hfuoshaflkjashfljas. anyway, you can see me on the top pic in the very front right hand side bottom, got my hand on my head hahah and you can see my pink/blue bracelet along with my silver one in the next one. hahah fucking good time.

so anyway, basia is moving in with me and i am VERY VERY excited about it and oh man, just really pumped. hapiness is raining over me and im so excited about the future! not excited about turning 20. i wanna be a teenager forever, but i guess it just cant be that way. LAME. cmon future, im waiting patiently. shits coming together, FINALLY. where are you soulmate?

catch me im falling down,

2009-07-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

this week has been fucking ridiculous, and i am s fed up with guys in general, i want to rip out my eyeballs. more than several have driven me so fucking crazy lately, its quite ridiculous. i just want to get the fuck out of here. im so sick of this spot of the world that i am constantly stuck on. i need a fucking vaaaccatttiiiiiiiiiioonnnn.

you can always take more than nothing

2009-07-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

i wish i just wish so bad sometimes that i didnt have to go through this, wish that i wasnt born in the place period and time i was, so none of this would me happening. my mind is so sore, im always thinking too much about everything, and society and existence. its fucking ridiculous. i mean, we hurt and have pain, but why? what makes us actually feel a feeling? how exactly does a consciousness exist? my ricky is going through such a hard time right now, and he doesnt deserve absolutely anything hes been through lately, i dont know why people keep shitting on him, and there is nothing i can do except verbally try to help him. i mean, why is all this happening to HIM? why isnt happening to the person who is the asshole, or rich bitch? i am beginning to think karma doesnt exist. it makes sense why it wouldnt. i think we are just here. weve evolved into these shitty little organisms who are cold and selfish and mean and defensive. ITS SO FUCKING DEPRESSING. there is nothing i can do about the way the world is set up. who the fuck makes all the decisions and why the fuck do i have to go by all these "rules" that should never exist. why does that building have to be right there? shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,bckjsjabjba;fb;f;h';f

i know you know you should talk to me. but i dont know WHY YOU WONT. JUST FUCKING DO IT!

2009-06-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

last night was alittle fucked up, and right now everything in general is kind of fucked up. i am getting sick of my house, and i need some refreshment in my life, something new, someone who wants to go and explore the ends of the world with me. someone who will just understand what im saying without me having to be apologizing for it be different or whatever. i know travis is this person, but hes not here all that much, i only see him maybe one or two times a week. i really feel like i dont belong in this setting, i know i dont. i jknow what i need to be complete;y happy are some room mates who actually understand me and dont care about the material things in life. ive been considering moving back to missuori for a year to go to school out there. i know i have friends out there that HAVE MY BACK. alot of them at that, people i love absolutely being myself around.

i think i am sinking into a pool of drunken and stoned oblivion. i just dont know how to feel anymore. i mena of course i FEEL but i just like dont wheni should also. i dont feel sympathy for people, i act like i like people i dont even like, i honestly njust dont give a fuck most of the time. i dont know how to put trust in people. im going down. haha

i hate it when people are obsessed with other people.
coffee just might be the greatest idea ever right now....im making some.

another day, another dollar. why cant my life be more exciting?

shit

2009-06-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

i just may be making a HUGE mistake.....

FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

walking on a dream

2009-06-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

oh dear friend,
who are you turning into and what have you become? back to your old self i guess. have fun, ill be back here. i cant believe how i was there for you when not many others were, and now our sweet freindship we once had has vanished into thin air. its so disappointing.
ive been so happy lately, of course theres always that little shit that goes on every day or week, but i can get through it without it letting affect my whole entire mood or attitude at the moment. i am just content, and ok.
some days i feel different about the important things going on my life. like for a few days something that seems SOOO impoartant to me wont be for maybe a few days after. and on and on and back and forth. i ahve the worst cough ever this shit is killing me. i love my kitten, he is such a little special gem :>>>>

ive got to get all my shit together for good. for some reason i cant.
im only nineteen, i really shouldnt even be worrying.
i have a horrible shopping addiction problem. i just want to fade into the ocean, like i almost did yesterday. travis and lee and i went out to myrtle beach and swam in the middle of a storm, the winds were so strong, they were making the waves hit so strong and powerful, it felt so riveting and exciting, conquering. im so in love with mama ocean, if only i could live on the beach. if only i could just walk outside and have the ocean be my backyard, what a dream. theres a boy in my life, and im no saying anything else, because every time i get my hopes up, i get let down, so erll see. :]

my little chocolate girl...

im getting lost in your curls....

2009-06-22T22:16:00.001-07:00

play the game, the game gets played. sometimes, this horrible little allydemon comes out in me, theres like this little bit of bad in me i know not anyone would expect but its there, but its not even bad, compared to all the shit that goes on in this world. anyways im talking bullshit. i went to see my beautiful avey, panda bear and geologist june 10th and it was the most amazing night of my fucking LIFE. it was all a huge beautiful story. we tripped on some lucy and headed for a little drive down to orlando. saw black dice first and the visuals and music were so fucking intense i could not beive how insane that band was. but when animal collective came on, i was complete. in the flowers started and i was like in heaven, i WAS my heaven, because that has been my dream for so long. my two favorite things in the whole world occuring at the same time!!!! i seriously wish that night never ended, i really wish it never did, but anyway, they played a beautiful amazing mezmorizing captivating show... i cannot even begin to explain how amazing it was :D:D:D:DDDDDDDDDD
i went with travis aaand rob and robs gf, and we were all just tripiing and laughing and fucking so happy, and after the show we fucking met panda bear behing the damn tour bus and i couldnt even fucking belive it, hahaha and i shook his hand and all i could say to him was "thank you so much for whatyou do...thank you" haha i was so mesmorized. this man, whos voice and music he makes motivates me every day to be happy and keep living and to stay positive, this man was standing right there and i didnt know what to do. so beautiful.

ive been just loving life lately, living day by day, after my last trip, ive pretty much let go of alot of things i needed to let go of, i feel so much better and happy. im not worrying about all the stupid shit that wastes time, we are so little and small and all of this is so insignificant, this whole life is, i keep tending to forget about that and then i atart getting all anal about stupid shit that doesnt even matter. im so thankful for how wise i am. i want to visit cassadaga again so bad soon, i love it there :D

10 minutes away

2009-06-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

my little slippi

2009-06-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

yesterday was absolutely AMAZING.

i shroomed with travis all day long, we tripped at the beach, went to my house took a shower and listened to some saxophone vynils, drank some smoothies & walked around downtown, people watched and such. i was so at peace and one with everything, it was so beautiful. at the peak of my trip i was laying in the sun, on the beach under the huge blue sky, listening to animal collective with my eyes closed, i left myself, i was seriously gone, no longer at the beach, i was in absolute bliss, floating. the rest of the time was just so eye opening and fun and exciting! i geeked out in public in front of ALOT of people because the osunds of the ocean crashing and all the people and their dogs and this helicopter above us and the heat all hit me at once, and i could not control my laughter at all!! hahaha oh man it was insane, while i was walking back to the car with travis i literally thought my whole entire body was going to explode into the sun because ive never been so hot in my whole entire life, we were baking out there for i dont even know how long and my feet were burning into the sand, and i started yelling "im going to explode! my heads going to explode!" in front of a bunch of people hahha wow, it was fucking awesome!
travis and i connected so much, i am so thankful he is in my life, SOOO THANKFUL, hes such a beatiful person and i can honestly say he has not ever fucked me over or let me down.im starting to really enjoy my one sided mullet, btw.
im so excited for what this summer& the rest of the year is going to bring to me :]

we kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves

2009-05-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

"And if you don't believe in fantasy

Then don't believe in fantasy
Do you not believe in fantasy because it gets you
down?
If you don't believe it's raining
I won't tell you that it's raining
Do you not believe it's raining just because it gets
you down?
And if you don't believe in happiness
Then don't believe in happiness
Don't believe in happiness, but then you might be
down
If you don't believe you're dying
I won't tell you that you're dying
Do you not believe you're dying just because it gets
you down?"

updates:
i went to visit sissie in missouri a few months ago, she has proved her immaturity, selfishness and hatred even more!! i am done with that girl. its so sad to say goodbye, but i can only take getting shit on so much, good luck with life rachel allison.

so long to my long hair, i have it shorter than i have before, and i love the fact that im not getting that nasty attention from old nasty men as much because my beautifil long locks are gonnnneee!!

ahahahaa

june 10th is the day im looking foward to more than ANYTHING right now, my shit oh GOSSHHHHHHHHHH im seeing animal collective live, im going to have a fucking heart attack.

im settled in my new apartment, with a new room mate since my first one decided to fuck me over royally, woo hoo!!

you have my attention

2009-01-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

and once again, the story begins and ends.
its a cycle, its all this one big huge ongoing cycle.
and im talking about everything.
i look back at these entries, i havent written in almost four months.
within these four months,
i fell in love.
not like the fall in love i always usually talk about, i REALLY fell in love.
i didnt know feelings like this existed
and i also didnt know pain like this existed.
i cried myself to sleep today.
i have a problem that i cant fix, and its affected my relationships in the past, now and will continue to affect ones in the future.
the most amazing guy in the world found me on september 23.
ever since, i have been floating on a cloud, experiencing a feeling ive never felt before.
i love nash kohlmeyer more than anyone in this world,
losing him would probably be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
i mean i know this sounds completely ridiculous and corny, but i fall to him when im hurting, now where am i going to go?
i will be completely alone.
all im asking for is love.
im such a fucking IDIOT.
i pushed him away sometimes because i got so scared,
ive been scared my whole life,
people have been leaving me my whole life.
ever since i was born,
i just want someone to stay.
fuck my lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i just want to be a giant weeping willow tree.

2008-09-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

im so lost.

alone.

betrayed,

whatever.

fuck the human race.

i want to fucking live in space where no humans exist and i dont have to deal with anyones bullshit.

and id just trip on acid all the time in space, and die.

sounds good! lets fucking go right now!

i am so exhausted.

im working every single day because i have 2 jobs, and i have school.

im fucking tired dude.

and today i finally didnt have to work, and alli wanted to do was paint my bike and its fucking raining!

how shitty, haha.

i love my bike, i love to ride my bike, i loooove it!

i just want to move to seattle or portland.

lately if i have time, i go wander off on my bike to like nowhere, and go deep into these forests and take pictures, its the greatest feeling, with the sun on me, its the perfect time of the day where its not too hot, and the breeze of the wind is just perfect.

i want a treehouse, oh happy i would be.

haha im not even mad, im disappointed, and extremely hurt. im escaping without dealing with it, ive been putting it off like i dont care about it, but i know eventually im actually going to have to sit there, and think real hard about it, and its gonna hurt.

fucking people, fucking assholes, everyone is out for one thing...

THEMSELVES.

shit.

what has happened to us, why are we so greedy, and so selfish?

why dont we think before we speak or act?

most of what we do affects someone around us, whether we think about it or not.

so, im going to buy my own island one day, an island of no drama, and no lies.

only devendra banhart is invited.

and travis.

hahaaha, i told travis id be his surrogate mother, because our kids would be the most amazaing babies on the face pf this planet, which is true, it would have superpowers and shit.

but this wont be like till were 30.

oh my flesh and bones.

im tired.

2008-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

"I'mma do the things

That I wanna do

I ain't got a thing

To prove to you

I'll eat my candy

With the pork and beans

Excuse my manners

If I make a scene

I ain't gonna wear

The clothes that you like

I'm finally dandy

With the me inside

One look in the mirror

And I'm tickled pink

I don't give a hoot

About what you think!!"

anyway, the people i work with at best buy are fucking amazing, and i have met so many awesome people man, im so excited to have the store open and finally be working there, we all built it together, i dont know, im proud of myself.

my father is continiung to be this complete asshole.

whoa, sick of the 13 yr old little girl attitude, seriously.

oh my goodness i forgot how beautiful anthony greens voice is,yeeep.

i guess im done for now.

aliens

2008-09-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

holy shit
texas mike and g mike and adam and ihad one of the best conversations i have ever had.

last night mie had this jar FILLED with buds and bud leaves, home grown buds from his uncle, and we smoked that shit and fucking sat on the bed of mikes truck and talked about crazy shit for like 2 hours.
parallel universes and galaxiesandthe fact that we only use like 10% of our brains, and maybe our death is the release, the switch that makes that other 90% of our brain that we dont use actually worthy. it like takes us to a place weve never been and its SO strong that our physical mentality cant even comprehend, but our spirit can.and when we die, the other 90% of our brain is a fantasy with our spirit, thats why theres orbs, little orbs all over the gravesites, its the brain spirits."the brain orbs"
or like maybe when we die, were released in a whole other glaxyliving life as something completely different.but doing the same exact thing over again.
and how there has to be aliens, i mean WERE aliens, to something else.or maybe theres a bunch of assholes with microscopes and high tech magnifying glasses we cant even comprehend, spying on us, laughing at how fucking stupid the human race is.kind of like the end of men in black, where our galaxy was in a marble...
we are grains of sand in a universe of unexplainable eternity.with all this said, i still continue to remember that all this shit that everyone worries about, with their fucking money and drama and fancy shit, and make up and "society" and "ranks".this is why i have become disgusted with everyone, because it seems like only like 3 people i know can comprehend this, and everyone else is just clueless. none of this shit matters, SERIOUSLY.cant wait till i get out of here man, :]
the riddler man, the riddler, some crazy shit.

oh yeah

2008-09-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

and i have a new found love for space these past couple months, i cant wait to begin astromoy class.

lovelier girl

2008-09-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

i am enjoying the rubys suns and beach house alot lately, such beautiful music...and beirut...oh my gosh, AMAZING.

so...i got two jobs this week, BAM. but i got drug tested for the best buy one and ive had no reponse back, if its not diluted, its going to be negative...cause i smoked the night before.

but, these past few days my stupidity has completely left me..haha i mean idk, i have had no desire to smoke weed, or cigarettes, im working out everyday, looking good, and i am FINALLY happy with myself, i can finally walk in public with confidence and pride. i finally feel beautiful.

two days ago i had the worst birthday of my life so far, it seems like every year, they just get worse, so next year im not even having a birthday..im not going to tell anyone about it, its just going to be another day.

what hurts the most is that my dad knew i was feeling shitty, and he didnt do a thing about it, nothing to help me out, just acted like he didnt give a fuck. awesome. i seriously cried like 7 times because i cant stand hearing everyone in california on the phone wanting me to come back...i want to see my grandparents and my mom so bad. i dont even give a fuck about those so called "friends" i had, haha what a joke. who were those people? stuck up assholes who cant get over themselves and money and drama...get a fucking life! go outside and cherish the beauty of the WORLD, not what money can get you. how sickening, im so glad im outta there, now that ive discovered what true friendships are, and real people, i dont think im going to ever live there again. i want to move to portland or france anyway.

mime games

2008-08-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

classical music is so amazing.

give me more intelectual music.

i need to practice typing so i can get a second job across thestreet.

i really cant comprehend how my friends constantly have money to spend, escpecially the ones who dont have jobs you know?

well anyways, my birth dad is about to die any minute, and i need to meet him before he does. i need this boid filled, and my heart wont be completely filled, if this piece of the puzzle isnt put in. he need to be sent to a VA hospital in seattle and no one is willing to help him out of take him there so my sissie and i are thinking of flying upo to montana and help move and get settled, from there we can go to portland, FINALLY i have been wanting to go to portland so fucking bad, its burning within me. i just relaly hope this happend before things start falling apart.
i want to know aobut my blood, i want to know wheer i came form, i want to get the fuck on with my life, and not be here with my dad, i wanna have a room mate to wake up to and do wake and bakes with, friends who give me good company, i want to have my own place again, to throw parties and have anyone come over at any time, i fucking thirst it, i need it.

these past few days i ahve been completely homesick.

its almost been a year since ive been away from california and i know i never thought i would say this but i want to see my mom.

i want to see my family so much, i want to give my grandpa and grandma a hug, i wanna have akward conversations and silences at the dinner table again. ots really fucking depressing.

i am trapped, i have no way out

io want to hang out with my sissie again, i wann gho out and be able to drive around with MY music playing, jamming out in MY car, i wanna move on!! i wanna break these walls apart.

i cannot stand the guy who continues to hit on me and thinks i like him, when in all reality, i find him to be comopletely annoying and immature. ewww.

my birthday is in 12 days. i am not even the least bit excited at all.

beacsue nothing is going to happen.

i just really want to trip on some lsd

yup, i would be COMPLETELY satisfied with that.

or meet jimi hendrix

haha

i ahve been oh so fortunate to have neighbors come over and continuously smoke me out.

"excuse me while i kiss the sky"

i just wanna chill out with a beer

and have a nice chat on the phone with an old friend or two right now.

like the ashes of american flags

2008-08-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

this gymnast thing is ridicoulous?

i wouldnt be able to balance like that shit

then again, i am ally.

what a wonderful time ive been having haha

and good things just keep on coming to me

and its really fucking awesome and exciting

and im stoned

and i have amazing neighbors

and im getting it on with with this guy

and my coffee cup is blowing my mind

i love kimya dawson, but i want to marry alice glass

i dont care if your reading this, thinking im sinning.

its all bullshit, fucking shut up, im so sick of hearing bull shit

i like my new bunny suit

when i wear it i feel cute.

i miss hanging and seein jenny

my sister and i are on good terms again

and i love her

i need some indian music in my life

im all hyped on coffee dude

and i have an interview for best buy tomorrow

and if the drug test is tomorrow

im "fucked for life"

-dirty projectors

i love kitties

and im about to listen to thursday

its a been while since thats happened

shit, thursday plays a damn good live show man

those were the fucking days

this is how it feels, calling out but no one even hears signals we sedn over the air

when you say my name, i wanna split it form your lips, hung like whispers in the rain

ANYWAY

for some weird fucking reason

all these dudes have been coming into my life

and i cant handle it anymore

it too much

shit

haha

COOOOFFFFEEEEEEEEEEE

so if i work at best buy

that would be the most amazing thing ever

im full of so many emotions right now

every different thing i think about,

makes me feel different

and my heart is racing

i want to be a painter

my father is one

my sister is one

why cant i?

i can draw, but not really

it sucks

so im doing photography

mr nino told me i had a knack for it

but all that mattered to me at the time

was friends

weed

and reputation

so i ignored him, i wanstgoing to give into school, no that would be lame

but now that im not stupid

im going to try again

ive signed up for class

and im going to colleger, whic is really weird to say

i thought this day would never come haha

im waiting for him to call

so we can hang out

and i can smoke blunts with him and his mom

ahahaha yessssssss :]

nfdsjlahfl;jkdsalgkfdsja

2008-08-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

i got an A

i got a B

and i got a C

fuck yeah, thoise division phone lessons with sophia really turned out to be helpful, HAHA.

so today has fucking rocked, ive met a shitload of new people, watched the sunrise at the beach, fucking got a bagel, met up with these dudes, and there was this one i met like a month and a hlaf aog, and hes fucking awesome,and dude hes so nice and genuine, and smoked a fucking blunt with him and his mom dude!! haha his mom loved me, she was jsut lovin it, telling me like " i love your dresssssss!!" and "no way girl, i cant believe you roll your own cigarettes thats fucking awesome, im the only other person i know that does that, aw shit!!!!" haha dude, fuck YEAH!

im signing up for a photography class, i decided not to do painting or drawing cause i already know shit from photography in high school, and when i did it and actually applied myself, shit came out fucking awesome, then i wanna pursue my thing with the recorb label job thing, yessssss. :] fucking love donna summer so hard dude. and trail mic, is the bommmmb!.

i love getting smoked out by cute boys :]

shadows

2008-08-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

oh dont worry, i honestly have no interest in you AT ALL.

i realized, your certainly not who i thought you were, HA DEFINTELY NOT.

so you should stop flattering yourself,

i dont want anything to do with you romantically,

i just want our freindship back

so you should really stop being an ass.

maybe this is better, cause a part of me wants to completely just cut you off and act like you never existed, maybe im just going to do that

i dont have fun with you anymore anyway

its like you try to suck on purpose so i dont have interest in you anymore, its ok, im really not interested, you did a good job.

one more thing

2008-08-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

shit

can i go back ? :[

macarthur park

2008-08-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

so i dont even remember the last time i wrote in here, like i dont even know what ive put down, but yesterday i went to this fucking city called Cassadaga, the same cassadaga conor oberst s album is about!! haha im so gay, ok anyway, its a little city in florida & i cant even begin to explain this experience, it was like i did acid without actually doing it haha it was fucking crazy!

so the minute i get there i can just feel the energy bouncing off of me as i got out of the car, it was INSANE!! so then travis and theresa and i went and walked around some little field thing and fucking it was so amazing and we went to this house of this guy who was a medium and his name is matt and this man was on fucking pbs and fucking good morning america and shit haha it was craaazy and this guy is the real fucking deal, hecan draw spirits that are surrounding ssomeone, like spirits of people that have passed away and the people would come back and bring the picture of the person he drew, shit was craaazy! so i got my cards done by him and this shit was RIGHT ON with everything it was INSANE, i seriosuly could not believe this shit, and i dont really feel like going into anymore detail with it, cause it was really sacred to me, but i am at so much peace, i feel like my body has been cleansed, i feel so refreshed and renewed, it was amazing, and i know everything is going to be ok for me :]

i realized ALOT yesterday and i know who needs to be kept in my life, and i know who doesnt. i making ammends with the improtant ones, letting go of the ones who just bring me down, im feeling fucking amazing. and every SINGLE time i listen to celine dions song "its all coming back to me now" i fucking cry, i love this song. so beautiful. i love my friends so much, they have been bringing me up so fucking much. jenny and travis and wagner, holy shit dude, helped me out so much and even though ricky and i havent seen eachother in almost ayear, we are still so fucking cl0ose, him and i were MEANT to be best frinds forever, hes just one of those people whose never NOT going to be in my life, you know? its fucking awesome! <33

watching the sunrise with brent, helllllllllllll motha fuckin yeah

HOLY SHIT!! haha omg i forgot...fucking like 2 hrs ago the power went out for like 45 mins and i have these new neighbors and theres these two fucking kids, and i was chillin outside smoking a cigarette and he came up to me and was like do you smoke? and i was like helll yeaah dude! and hes like wanna go smoke a blunt!? im loike what the hell fuuuck yeah!! cause i havent smoked since yesterday so i was fellin a little on edge and this kid fucking smoked me out with two FATAAS blunts haha omg shit was insane fuck yeaaah haha im chillin liek a villian, life is so beautiful!

it sucks

2008-08-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

so i guess hes not who i thought he would be.
i just tried to write that first line like 20x, i didnt realize how high i was.
oh shit i just had an amazing jam sesh. some old tbs, yesss.
so, right now im picturing myself in the middle of a giant green field, i have no destination but i know eventually, im going to have to start walking to get past the field and where i want to go. i want to go to portland and then officially move to san fran.
when i went there 2 years ago, i LOVED it so much, it was beautiful, nad i honestly believe my heart is meant to be there, eventually though haha.
so my friends have been bringing me up alot lately, even though i feel like im down more than half the time. sometimes i just think really fucking hard about something and get really fucking depressed about it and that shit sucks, cause once im in that mood, i really feel like i cant get out.
i also feel like i cant get out of this fucking body, i hardly even eat and when i do, i feel so disgusted with myself afterwards, i hate this shit, and i hate food :
so yesyesyesyes i want to start hanging out with nicholas more, hes such a groovy dude.
and i have all these fucking bugbites cause its goddamn stupid florida and this shit is weak.

congratulations

2008-08-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

so last night was fucking awesome

and i forgot how amazing these people are haha

i met up with jinglejaglejenny at her new casa and saw a bunch of lovely ladies i havent seen in awhile

honestly, i dont know them THAT well but they bring me UP. theyre energy is so good and real i fucking love it. got stoney and a little buzzed and justin and i were just fucking around about stuopid shit the whole time haha

last night made me realize that all this dumb complaining and being depressed is such a waste of fucking time. there are a shitload of people that care about me, all over the damn U.S. haha and i tend to forget that, i am so thankful!!!!!!

evreything is going to come into place and everything happens for a reason.

these amazing people have come into my life for a certain reason, and i need to get on with making stronger bonds with these amazing people

for stevie wonders eyes only

2008-07-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

you know what?

FUCK YOU

im never putting myself out there in the open like i have, NEVER FUCKING AGAIN.

i am so fucking sick of everyone taking advantage of me, i am so fucking sick of everyone using me for something they need, i never get appreciated, i give and i give and i give and what do i get in return? oh a complete pile of shit. so here you go, here i am, shut off to you and everyone else, im not going to open myself up, i have finally become bitter, after all your fucking bullshit. yours, and yours, and yours. thanks man, thanks alot.

thanks jay

thanks mom

thanks marie

thanks to all you fuckheads in california who are so fucking conceited and wrapped up in your little scene and worried about your fucking status in hollywood and your stupid fucking money

thanks dennis and edwin

thanks david

thanks rachel

thanks chuck

thanks adam biggs, go fuck yourself

thanks to all of you who have totally killed my self esteem, FUCK YOU

and thanks to you, youve made my life complete shit, when i thought youd make it better.

amen.

:]

2008-07-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

i miss my best friend back in california, im so glad that even though we havent seen eachother in almost a year, were still so close, and we still know everything about eachother, 7 years of a friendship going strong baby, i love you ricky. i cant wait until we explore the ends of the world together. <3

water curses

2008-07-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

oh hiiiii, ok so

number one, its those people, those immature people who have this thing like they feel like they need to be molded into a fucking category, like these fucking scene kids and their stupid fucking hair and ridiculous make up, im sorry but gow the fuck up, your the type of people that makes me hate the human race, the type that makes me pissed off to no end at our dumb society who feels clothes and looks are so fucking important, just go fuck yourself.

oh hiiiiii,

number two, so remember how i like to change my mind all the fucking time and continue to pace back in forth in my head about how im not going to put my trust or efforts into anyone because i just keep getting hurt, and then the minute someone amazing comes along i just fucking give away my heart again, i give away my delicate heart, thats just fading away more and more, every boy takes a piece and it just keeps getting smaller and smaller, and i can see myself, arms out, ready to give my heart away to someone new, hoping just hoping that this time is going to be different, oh wait HAHA FUCK THAT. I AM NOT DOING THAT, shit im such an idiot, im gonna set myself up for pain again? NO THANKS, ILL CONTINUE TO KEEP MYSELF, all of you are assholes anyway.

magic

2008-07-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

Put me in your dry dream or put me in your wet

If you haven't yet, no if you haven't yet

Light me with your candle and watch the flames grow high

No it doesn't hurt to try, it doesn't hurt to try

well, things are overall pretty groovy. last night i went back to my job that i got fired and the manager that DIDNT fire me gave me a huge hug and talked to me for a little bit, then i saw my sunshine! gosh, i miss hanging with him, and a few other people came and talked to me, i felt really fucking awesome, i mean, i just felt like no one really gave a shit haha but they did, which made em really happy :] i spent the night chillin with travis and brent haha were like the three fucking musketeers and we went to the movies and chilled in the pool until like 5 in the morning haha. i swear travis and i...oh man, we are inceperable friends, we are just so much alike and shit haha its so weird. this is very hard, but i am cutting down on my weed intake, i already tried just giving it up altogether, but its way to hard, WAY too hard, but i found these pictures of me that were like from 2 1/2 yrs ago and i got so fucking depressed, yeah i may be thinner now, but shit, my face has just completely changed, its really fucking depressing, i used to be really pretty, now im just like "eeeeeeeeeew", well thats how i feel, i took for granted what i used to have , seriously.

im waiting, waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, and just love me as hard as ill love them, with no worries, no drama, just love and genuine feelings, i know what i want, but what i want is SO FAR AWAY.

happpiness: i have experiened it.

2008-07-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

WHERE DO I START!?
IM SO ECSTATIC ABOUT LIFE.

last night, i dropped some lucy with justin, one of the most beautiful souls i have ever come to know. it was his first trip, and we drove to the beach around eleven at night and stayed there until eight o clock in the morning. i cant even begin to explain what i experienced, and what he experienced, and him and i just were in synch with eachother, we didnt understand anything else other than eachother, and the ocean just took me away, spoke to me, the beauty was unbearable. i remember just walking up to him when we were at our "i feel so tiny and helpless stage", i took his hand and we walked down towards the water, connected as one just through our fingertips, the walk was literally like a neverending desert of sand, and proportions of everything were just maximized to the largest size possible, everything around us was alive with us, every sound was so delicate and every human being was an alien, when really we were the aliens. we stood there in the middle of the ocean, letting the tides roll in and out, digging us depper in the sand. we sat on this lifegaurd chair, that was the perfect view for fucking everything, we sat there for about 5 hours just watching the sky and stars dance, the ocean breathe, and sand melt with us, once the sun started to rise, the colors blew my mind, the beauty of mother nature was so hard to take in, i felt like i was watching a live portrait, i felt like i was just living in this big beautiful dream that was never going to end. i feel like ive gotten to comepletely know justin, this is one boy i can actually say that doesnt deserve to be put through any pain or harm, he is so beautiful. the sky is so beautiful, the flowers are more gorgeous than they have ever been, and my mind is awake, aware and ready. bring it baby, cause im SO ready.

dear love

2008-07-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

Goodnight my love, you seemed so nice 'til I knew you better

Now I can tell you're always thinking twice about what might be better

On the outside, there's no conscience, you're a victim of your cautiousness

You don't try, you just lie there hoping that someone will come to make it right

fucking geez

2008-07-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

so ive been heartbroken again.
and now im letting go.
im not going to put my efforts into making anyone happy anymore, because i always do that, then i always get fucking spat on.
no more efforts, no more daydreaming
chuck, i would have loved you better than anyone in this world
but your selfishness just blew it all
thanks for making me feel like "that girl" for the time being
you were good at doing that
and you are obviously good at making every girl that passes by you, feel that way too
THANKS A FUCKING LOT DUDE.
SHIT.
my face looks like its aging 100x quicker than normal, and i look depressed as fuck.
i hate this state, i cant trust one person, not ONE.
im so glad im realizing this NOW though, you know at least im not putting myself out there for me people to just shit on.
i waaaaant to move the fuck out of this country, anywhere but here, and just start all over, one more time, just ine more fucking time, because i cant handle doing this whole "hey im gonna start an awesome realtionship with you, were gonna be best friends, but oh im moving away in a couple months, so itll all be over soon"
i seriously cannot do that anymore, its breaking me apart.
im breaking apart.
literally.

winter

2008-07-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you by my side

I waited for you so long while I traveled far and wide

Convinced myself there's no one better, so how can I deny

Your love, it's like a thorn into my side

My friends they understand me better but don't whisper goodnight

I want a lover and a sister,

but we know that's not right

You used to listen to my music,

I always wondered why

I wish I could pretend you make me try

I want the days to come,

I want these sleepless nights to end

I lie here thinking how I lost you to all your stupid friends

You made me feel so foolish for the twenty-second time

Your love might be the last time that I try

Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you on my own

I waited here for you forever,

I can't believe you'd go

I may not have the answers,

but I'd rather never know

Your love was such a heavy, heavy blow

Goodnight my love,

you seemed so nice 'til I knew you better

Now I can tell you're always thinking twice about what might be better

On the outside, there's no conscience, you're a victim of your cautiousness

You don't try, you just lie there hoping that someone will come to make it right

well watch the fireworks that frighten the babies

2008-07-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

from a distance, the ocean meets the stream and the eagle takes to flight.

welllll, woo i just got stoned with travis and watched some amazing fireworks, perfect view RIGHT there in front of us, oh my and listen to fireworks by animal collective at the end, it was fucking magical haha, ive been doing alot of stuff these past few days and three nights ago i went down to the beach with brent and travis at around eleven and oh MY GAAAH the fucking stars looked so BEAUTIFUL! and once again, i just floated away, just like last time, haha i just stared up at the beautiful galaxy and went where the ocean took me and floted like 20 ft away in the darrrk, i started freaking out a little, and i finally found them like 3 minutes later, but it felt like twenty, hahaha. and uh last night we went to this weird ass total broooo braaaaaah party type of thing and it was so whack, HAHA but i mean, its always good to go to those types of things and just hold random conversations with drunkass people, its really fucking entertaining haha.

and last week i saw modest fucking mouse!! it was SO SPECTACULAR!! oh my gosh, i had so much fun! i danced so hard and just fucking sang along, and they prefrom so WELL, like gosh, they are so fucking amazing!! oh my.

ive been thinking alot about my sister lately and it just bothers me so much, how weve only known eachother for a year and we dont even talk anymore! i cant even hold a damn conversation with her because she is so damn immature about everything! i am not trying to be mean, or sound cruel, but i am honestly thankful that i wasnt raised by my birth parents, because i would have turned out something like my sister, and that is NO GOOD. im honestly not trying to talk shit, because i have had a few conversations with my birth dad over the phone, my sister has told me CRAZY AMZING stories about him, and he is one groovy dude, seriously.

im addicted to panera, oooooh myyyyy :]

ive learned to finally let go of the thing ive been trying to let go of for the past few weeks. i am free like a bird.

lets call up oprah

lets tell her what has gone on

shell scream!

shell be flattered!

oh oprah! oprah! oprah!

you have so much cash,

damn girl pass me that grass!

cause i know you got some!

oh oprah! oprah! oprah!

cmon help me out!

i need a car,

just a lousy little car,

help me out sister

you can take me places that are oh so far.

feed your head

2008-07-01T20:44:00.001-07:00

appreciate it, bitch

2008-06-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

oh god
what a fucked up day
seriously
im just so fucking glad to be out if work
my manager treats me like shit
and im so fucking sick of people treating me like a fucking idiot because they think im stupid just because of my blonde hair and natural herb smoking habits
how fucking annoying.
i need to let out my frustration
i need to scream
and feel free
well tomorrow night should REALLY fucking help me :]
modest mouse baby.
every guy is suck a douchebag
and are moody as fuck
uggggh
travis is pissed off at me
fucking great
the person i trust the most is mad as fuck at me
i cant even figure out why
and i miss chuck
thats all i want right now
fuck work
and these fucking RUDE ass bitches who talk shit on me because they dont like the way their food tastes. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING COOK BICTH!?? NO, I FUCKING RUN AROUND THE FUCKING RESTAURANT TO GIVE YOU A GOOD EXPERIENCE AND GO IN AND OUT OF THE KITCHEN TO GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU STILL COMPLAIN? fuck you.

im so fucking sick of people.

all these fucking stupid brainwashed corporate whore idiotic people.

ooh boy i love you so

2008-06-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

today has been so wonderful!

went ta work, saw some friends, & art :]

aaaand then travis and i spent the whole day together....

weee went to robs house and then got stoney, bought a cake for brent went back to travis's house and made that damn cakethe damn cake with a barbie inbetween the two layers and the hand sticking out of the top of the cake, drew some dick and vagina on there and travis and i had somee good ass bonding moments today, hes so wonderful! travis is gay by the way, if any of you are thinking we have a thing...hahaha

umm, im really confused here about this one boy.

hes been gone for like 2 months now and i miss him like fucking crazy and he tells me he misses me too & basically im just waiting for us to come back again together one day. its so fucking hard, im not really attracted to anyone else, ive been hit on a fuckload, i know theres dudes crazy about me, but i have no interest in them...i only want this one. hes so fucking special to me. hes that boy i would do absolutely anything for, hes that boy that makes me wanna go out of my way just to get a smile, hes that boy that warms my heart.

i dont know how much longer i can hold on.

i need to feel him again, look into those eyes again.

what the fuck am i gonna do.

my mind

2008-06-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

so im in this box

and no one can understand it

no one can comprehend it, not even myself

but im at peace in this box,

because nothing else matters

this money

this robotic lifestyle

this so called fame

were all people

the same

no one is better

no one is worse

each of us live on the decisions we make,

some choose bad decisions

some choose good,

but this doesnt make anyone better

just sometimes conciously smarter.

were all going to die

were all going to be completely forgotten one day

what i cant comprehend is the hype

its so sad how everyone has been taught to think that if you look sexier, have the best of material things, that you are better

is sad to see all of these people only worried about how far their going to get in the social ladder

what is the social ladder?

BULLSHIT

we are ants

each of us running around, doing our own thing

doing the same routine everyday

luckily, i dont run on that same routine

my life is different

and going to continue to be different

ive let go of all the things that dont really matter

and i feel amazing.

<3

2008-06-17T07:23:00.001-07:00

"i love you more than beans and rice"

thats all i needed to hear.

thats all i needed to know.

and even though i feel like im in the biggest rut right now, its ok, because i know one day him and i are going to see eachother again

my hearts bursts for this boy!!

"holy fuck"

2008-06-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

are you ready? cause i dont even think i am.

alright so tonight has been so ridiculously nuts, let alone this whole entire day, i mean the day has been overall wonderful but ok, so after work, jenny and brent and i fucking got stoned as fuck with some northern lightsss :]] and walked this nature trail again...alright so when im walking down this trail i feel like everything is unreal...all around me are these majestic trees...and at night its like PITCH black and you honeslty cant see past like 2 ft ahead of you because its so fucking dark...and theres random fireflies and its beautiful at times, but also extremely freaky. so no one wanted to lead the way, so i did it, i just fucking put on bjork and did it, it was so hard trying to find peace down this pitch black path of doom, but i just lead the way, not having any idea of what was ahead of me...and i felt good until at one point i looked up, and my pace was getting slower, and then i just stopped. i couldnt go any further, and i KNEW something was there ahead of us. jenny just looked at me while brent was freaking out and i was just like "dude, this isnt good, i see something, and my this energy is so bad" and shes just like " i know i see it too, we gotta trun around" and i was just like "ok man" so we went the other way, and while were walking down this fucking surrounding of swamp and trees, we start hearing this freaky like barking noise coming closer towards us, it was fucking ridiculous, i felt like the time had went into slow motion for like 2 mins, i just linked onto jenny and was FREAKING the fuck out, i seriously have not been this scared in a long time. i dont know what the fuck went on tonight, but i just dont know, i dont have good feelings about it you know? sucks. weird.

so earlier today i went exploring with wonderful travis, and got stoney bologna and went thrift shopping and panera eating, bomb ass bagels, i swear. and i found some cool shit :] and then i hung out with wagner and i dunno i had a craaazy day haha but i dont think ive come to much realizations lately, i think i need to stop smoking so much herb so i can find my inner real peace again, its at the point where i have to smoke to feel normal, and that aint no good...

i hate how this whole peace sign thing is now becoming a fucking trend, seriously wtf?? i cant even wear mine anymore, becasue more than half of these people who wear them, DONT REPRESENT PEACE! i mean some girl cant be wearing that and then talk shit on someone for they way they look or somehitng you know?! it just really makes me upset, people, pece IS NOT A TREND, ITS AN ACT AND WAY OF LIFE. jeez, this world.......

the good times are killing me

2008-06-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

alright oh man these past few days have been a little intense.

so, basically three nights ago i went to this artwalk thing wiht jenny and lily and some other people and i seriously met so many fucking people that night..holy shit dude haha and travis met up with us there :]]] i love travis so much, when were working together, our manager is like "you need to seperate" haha and like "yall are attached at the hips" and haha idk we just love eachother alot. he brings me the feeling of home for some reason. and HAAH that night he just looked at me and was like "can i lick your eyeball?" in the middle of the street haha and i was like "yeah" and he freckin did it and then i licked his eyeball and haha idk we were both drunk and silly and shit and then just some shitty thing happened and then i finally met up with jinglejanglejenny! and haha frecking went to this party thing oh my gah all new faces, except for one who stuck out like a sore thumb, but in a good way :]

so im all drunk at this jig party thing and then this dude is just like "i wanna walk around" and im just "dude, im so down, lets go, lets fucking go" haha and me and him and two other dudes all walked around in the middle of the streets at like 3 in the morning drunk, talking about a bunch of different shit, and at every single intersection we each had to yeall a desired direction on the count of three, it was fucking awesome, these dudes were so fucking chill and awesome and im just like thinknig to myself of how fucking thankful i am that these people DO exist here, i almost lost all faith in most of the human race, but these dudes were like a breath of fresh air, i didnt give a care about how shitty drunk i loked, what i was doing, i was just comfortable...and that doesnt happen often haha, it think its that damn dress i was wearing, it makes me feel free as a bird :> haha so just hell yeah right now im still missing chuck alot, and i think hes just over it, haha..but what can i do? ive never met anyone like him and hes honestly hands down one of the greatest guys ive ever met...so im not gonna let go quite yet.

AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! im seeing modest mouse in 18 days!! holy shit!!

all over you

2008-06-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah she's a looker,but I really think it's guts that matter most
I displayed them for you, strewn out about from coast to coast
I am easily make believe just dress me up in what you want me to be
I'll take back what I've been saying for quite some time now
I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
In my daydreams, in my sleep,infatuation turning into disease
You could cure me, see all you have to do nowis please try
Give it your best shot and try
All I'm asking for is love, but you never seem to have enough
I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
This life is way too short to get caught up in all this stuff when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?
Why can't you just love me back?
hy can't you just love me back?
Why can't you just love me back?
I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again, I'm all over you
I'm not over you
This life is way too short to get caught up and all mixed up when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?
Why won't you just love me back?

everythings just happenin so fast

2008-06-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

i have so many thoughts in my head right now, i dont even know where the fuck to start here...alright here it goes...

honestly fisrt things first, i really, really wonder who reads this thing i mean cmon now im a lameass...well maybe not HAHA

so um, ok well i was just looking at the past, and i mean just thinking about all those amazing imes, growing up in cali, and just living such an amazing life, i meean i know alot of the people there put me through ALOT of shit, but alot have also genuinely cared about me, and i have some of the GREATEST memories. i just cant believe how many people have changed, so many people, friends i was so close to...but for what? just a moment in time? and now i dont even know who they are anymore...

so weird man.

so my soul is just so happy right now...animal collective is so fucking amazing.

i cant compete, and im so sick of these types of things happening to me. here, ill explain...theres just this thing that always tends to happen with most boys, i feel like i have to compete against these girls that look like models and you know what im so fucking sick of it. there was this dude, i was REALLY diggin, i mean we fucking connected, him and i know both knew it, and what the fuck happens, uh he decides to date this fucking 16 yr old. you just HAVE to be kidding me...fucking UGH.

i mean i know when i find the right one, i will KNOW it, and for quite a VERY long time ... years i thought i found him, im still not sure, but i guess i just have to be patient and find out when i find out...know what im sayin?

i love nature, we came from this earth, the least we could do is treat it right, right? i just love taking in the beauty & the colors of everything..the trees, the sky, the ocean... i love it.

all is full of love

2008-05-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

holy shit i cant believe its two o clock in the morning.

so, imlistening to four year strong and i cant even begin to explain how much i love them, and fucking SET YOUR GOALS, one OF the best bands ever, hands down...well in my book.

& MGMT, holy shit, they are so fucking amazing.

anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, a few nights ago travis, wagner, brent and i had a "rest in peice" for snickelfritz the II, who fell in the lake about 2 weeks ago, so we had a moment of silence, and smoked a FAT blut above his "grave". HAHA, it fucking rocked. but i have a new piece which is pretty damn fucking cool looking man. its like the shape of a diamond and its all pretty and green and shit, its niiiice. :]

im starting to just, i dont know feel different about a shitload of different things. ive been vomeing to revelations...haha. but seriously though, about a week ago i went down to the beach with a caouple of friends and i smoked a jibby, we walked onto the pier, and watched the sunset.

i just put on my headphones, some beautiful music was serenading my ears and i just danced there on the ocean in front of the sunset, it was one of the most beautiful things ive ever seen, that sunset... there were a shitload of people there, who all probably thought i was completely out of my mind, but i DIDNT GIVE A FUCK! haha maybe i sound nuts, but that moment in time was so just surreal, i dont know, i realized alot that day though. now that ive let go of all my fears of judgement, and learned to love everyone for who they are, not to ever judge, to constantly have the effects of karma in mind, i am finally genuinely happy!

well, im starting to love my job more, nuff said.

when travis and i hangout, its like, i dont know. its fucking awesome though. we can fucking realte on so many levels, and hes just one fuckin groovy dude. ( and hes a virgo so this explains alot :] )

goodnite :]

i just want

2008-05-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

a lover.

someone whos gonna stay and be there for awhile.

someone to spend all my nights with again.

someone who will blow my mind away.

thanks.

thats what im waitin for

2008-05-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

damn, times are a changing.

ive met a couple of amazing people that i work with, i didnt realize how fucking awesome and real they are outside of work. ive been going to this one nature trail alot lately, its so beautiful, theres no sign of city life, and there are just trees EVERYWHERE. i love it, its so beautiiful and peaceful. a few days ago me and 2 other dudes i work with went down thre around midnite and it was pitchblack and we got lost and we were all stoned, it was so spectacular haha.

im having this horrible problem of not saving my money, but i HAVE TO. i have to get a car i need one so fucking bad. thats all i ask for is a damn car so i can travel the world, and discover new beauitiful things!!!!!!

im seeing modest mouse next month, im so fucking excited :]

other than that, everything has been the same routine, something im getting extremely sick of, hence i need a car. im so sick of being stuck in this house when i have friends working it seriously sucks.

staplegunned

2008-05-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face

Oh the chemistry between us could destroy this place

Do I have to spell it out for you

or whisper in your ear

Oh just stop right there

I think that weve got something here

We were all alone when I finally made a pass at you

It didnt work, and no it never does

but you know how I do

We were on the phone when I made up my mind

I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time

ive come to wrap you uptight till its time to bite down

2008-03-31T18:30:00.000-07:00

whoa, i havent written in a long time...ok here it goes

im stoned. i moved from missouri like 3 weeks ago, i have come to some conclusions...

1. my sister is a backstabbing bitch...and i havent even known her a WHOLE YEAR.

2.guys pretty much suck.

3.i got a waitressing job & its gooood :D

4.im hella addicted to green tea

5. flight of the conchords is probably one of the greatest shows ever created.

so whoa im way over todd and that situation, im just waiting for the right person now. so, im liking florida, its pretty jazzy, and so far all the people ive met have been pretty awesome, i love living with my dad other than the factc that i have to hide smoking herb from him...and i have a curfew sometimes...something im totally not used to. but im pretty happy here :D

i miss soph soph and jenny and leechi and jamie and everyone else REALLY FUCKING BAD.

im hoping to find some chill as people here like them...i think i already have though :)

"where do i fit in in this jigsaw of our relationship? why should i play the fallguide to your love?

i keep getting snubbed.

WHAT DUMB LUCK

so rub it in."

my going away party was POPPIN, oh man what a night.

im getting this tattoo on my shoulder, yup its gonna be BADASS

i miss jenny (top & bottom) and jamie (bottom) so hard dude...

well i have things to do ill write soon!

stay right where i can see you

2008-03-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

i am SO fucking frustrated. i have been trying to end this little "fued" thing with my ex for i dont even know how long...i am SO SICK of having to avoid him where ever we go because we have the same group of friends and it is just so stupid. so, i get a message from him this morning telling him im feeding him bullshit about wanting to get along...
REWIND:
two nights ago i went to this bonfire party with my friend sophia and a shitload of people i knew were there... i was hella intoxocted and when i was on one side of the house my friend leeroy told me my ex was right on the other side of the house the whole time and you know my initial reaction was freaking out. i freaked out because i haven't seen him since we've been together (because his lame ass didnt have the balls to break up with me in person, but on myspace) and i honestly didnt want to see him. Now, me being intoxicated and all, i totally forgot about the conversation i had with him like 2 days before about how were both over it and arent going to hate eachother...haha. but ok, all i said was "OH MY GOD! HES HERE!? OH MY SHIT...OH MY SHIT...OH MY SHIT....IM NOT READY TO SEE HIM." thats it.

FFWD:
so the message i recieve from him this morning is

"please stop feeding me this tripe and then turning around (for instance, at leroy's bonfire) and bitching about me or asking people "why did you invite that motherfucker?" i thought i saw you there, but you disappeared. i was hoping we could have sat down and talked with each other while there was no bullshit hanging in the air. that was obviously not the case.

i don't know what you are doing, ally, but it's bullshit. don't hang out with the majority of my friends and then ask them why they want me around. don't tell me you want to make amends and then trash-talk me at my friends' houses.

blame it on alcohol if you want, but it's still bullshit."

UM HELLO YOU ASSHOLE....YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR RESOURCES OUT BEFORE YOU BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE FEED YOU.
i know who said it...it was jacob...this asshole that hates me and has been trying to destroy me and todd's relationship since fucking day 1.

im over this, im going to be out of this town for good in one fucking week. and i dont have to deal with anymore of this bull shit.
thank god.

2008-03-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

so its official.
ill be in florida in a week.
this sucks, i really hate doing the whole moving, leaving people youve made bonds with thing, ive been doing it my whole life...i just want to fucking settle down somewhere. i hope my dad doesnt ALWAYS have this bitchy attitude, i dont know how much of it ill be able to take. im totally feeling like weighing out the negatives and positives right now.
(ill probably add to this ocasionally)

positives: negatives:

+i wont be in Missouri -i wont be able to smoke weed whenever i want
+i wont have to pay rent (which is all the time)
+better shopping centers & stores -id have to do this whole "making new friends" ordeal
+i can start a relationship with my dad finally (which i really hate)
-im going to be on watch all the time
= not much freedom..UGH

i hope to find love when i get there. im ready for love and i want someone so bad, i probably sound incredibly stupid, lame and desperate...but im not. i just want to fall in love.

and the chaos continues

2008-03-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

yesterday i got another letter from a man in prison. im so freaked out.
im extremely frustrated today, the fact that i can only use one hand is really starting to bother me.
my dad (adopted dad) who is gay, which i love actually, told me hes coming to pick me up in about a week and a half to move back with him and his partner in florda. i want to do this, but not so soon...my sister is coming back here in three days and i want to spend more time with her than a week...i dont know the next time ill see her.

im financially screwed and still havent even paid jenny for februaury months rent. i dont know what to do! i got fired about two weeks from my full time job for being late! and now i cant work because ive got this fucked up hand...geez.

i had an awesome last nite, sophia came down :D and we had such an awesome time...BUT my ex ended up being there & i havent seen him since we were together. i miss him so much and id do anything to be in his arms again...but thats never going to happen. ive lost my chance. ANYWAY, i guess he was in the room next to me the whole time and i didnt even know and neither did he i guess haha and when my friend told me i flipped out...but i didnt end up running into him so its all good. but god, if only i could turn back time, so i could try to figure out what i did wrong, because i still dont know.

i love to post random pictures whenever i take them, ill probably do this all the time cause i always have my camera with me

true affection

2008-03-01T02:14:00.001-08:00

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Down to the bottom

I wanted a junction and often there was one
You'd surface face first and we'd share our thought bubbles
And I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn't fair to cross

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

Your depths made a pressure that punctured my works and all your fluids couldn't tolerate the force of my thirst
I love the place where we shared our tiny grace
But because it's real doesn't mean it's gonna work

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

this is the politics of seeing you dance with him

2008-02-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

These past few days have been so fucking insane.
im not sure where to begin. two nights ago i was in a grease fire by stupid mistake...took the ambulance to the ER and stayed in the hospital over night and had 2hand surgeries..haha the bad things just keep on coming onto me. OK SO! i came home from the hospital and two friends called me up...one saw my "story" in the newspaper, the other one saw my story on the internet and some lady that works with my room mate said she heard it in the tv!
so today i came home to find a "get well soon card" from a stranger that is currently in prison....
what the fuck?!
thats a bit creepy ...
i can sew these folks who put my shit on blast without asking me right?!
i need help with this one haha

im really stoned right now btw...i tend to babble on & on when im stoned.
lets spice things up a bit shall we?

FRIENDS<3:

my room mate jenny is one of the most amazing people in my life right now. i can trust her with anything and shes has helped me so much. weve never gotten in a fight and we tell eachother everything. we go everywhere together, shes pretty fucking awesome.

my sophia is so amazin! when we hang out its like SHIT! we just clique as such fucking tight ass friends. we both used to hang out in california together...she ended up moving to st.louis three months before i moved to missouri, we hung out and now we try to chill as often as we can. oh my god, i wish i could put her in my pocket so we could go everywhere together :)

lee chi pants is my companion. were together all during the day & go on adventures because we got fired on the same day haha. we always get along, shes for good :)

graham is secretely in love with me, i know this because he told me once when he was HELLA wasted...i know he doesnt remember though haha...he always comes over to make me feel better...hes really amazing, i know he alot on his shoulders and we try to help ecahother out as much as possible. oh, grahamcraker!

my crazy sister of course, not so much one of my best friends right now, but were getting along. honestly, im starting to see her true colors...and sometimes i dont like it. but i love her and i always will..i know were sticking together no matter what.

so, ive got a problem...

a
shopping
additction.

funny thing is i have no money! ive maxed out credit cards and oh god. it just aint good.

so anyway, theres this chic that digs me & im pretty sure i dig her. im just not too sure if shes my type i guess? i mean not that i have much of a type...i just think i need somebody alittle more exciting. shes beautiful and sweet but idk well see how this goes...

i mean honestly right now, i want a man. a funloving, goofy like me cute, tall and simple guy....(that dresses nice haha!) thats all i ask for, why is it so hard for me to find?? haha maybe im too picky...or maybe THE GUYS ARE TOO PICKY? what am i talking about, im fucking awesome....so that makes me pick right? haha

the beginning

2008-02-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

and so it begins...

im so tired of explaining this story over & over again, but heres the short version:

i was adopted at birth by my loving and crazy mexican family, not even knowing that my whole entire life i had a birth sister living on the other side of the country, looking to find me. March of 2007, my birth sister rachel found me on myspace & we met 4 months later on a road trip she took to my beautiful hometown California. After i turned 18 i moved all the way to Missouri (misery) to live with her. She ended up screwing me over by letting a stupid guy named timmy take over her life and we couldnt even stand being in the same room with eachother, because most likely wed end up in a bitchfight. Two months ago, she moved to Montana to live with our birth dad (who ive never met) and now im here in missouri with my amazing room mate jenny. i hang out with a bunch of people i that have the greatest times with and i LOVE being out here on my own without my fucking crazy mom.

ANYWAY, ive been through alot here and have been learning about new awesome crazy shit everyday. I just lost my job three days ago and right now im pretty screwed financially. im still crazy about my exboyfriend and cant seem to get over him, even though hes already got a new girlfriend.
im trying to find some more awesome friends around here....i love the ones i have but all of them are alot older than me and blah blah .